Abuse victims share stories to give hope, raise awareness

*published Oct. 25, 2009

BY VANESSA C. DEGGINS

Domestic abuse is considered one of the least-reported crimes.

Denial by the victims that abuse has occurred is a factor in that, according to Jennifer Couvillion with the Calcasieu Women’s Shelter.

“Domestic abuse runs the spectrum, from verbal abuse like constant criticism and put downs, on to sexual and physical abuse,” Couvillion said. “It’s about control, and the abuse, physical or not, is to maintain control over that person and environment.”

Couvillion said there is no set timeline to track an abuser.

“The abuser may go from zero to 10 in a week or it may take years,” Couvillion said.

Three victims of domestic abuse agreed to talk to the American Press about their past situations, why they stayed and how they found the courage to leave.

Their names have been changed to protect their identities.

‘That was normal’

Mary, 51, said she grew up around abuse.

“My father abused my mother, and she eventually left,” Mary said. “Then we moved into a very poor neighborhood.”

Mary said her neighbor and best friend also lived in an abusive home.

“I remember running home in the middle of the night because after her father beat her mother, he would attack the kids,” Mary said. “Abuse was always around me, and I thought abuse was only physical.”

Mary also was in the military. Most of the decorations in her office are medals and pictures from her 25 years in the Navy.

In 1998, she became a liaison for abused sailors.

“I was in court every day hearing about physical abuse, and one day, a social worker came in and started naming all these things.”

Mary said the social worker talked about how a woman’s husband criticized her appearance and found fault in everything she did. He also pressured her to perform certain sexual acts.

“And I thought, ‘that’s my life,’ but because my husband wasn’t punching me, I didn’t think it was abuse,” Mary said.

Mary said after she learned the full definition of abuse, she didn’t leave.

“I had been in two wars. I just thought, ‘Why whine about it?’ Because this was normal to me to constantly be criticized and put down,” Mary said.

But she said she internalized everything he said.

“I found myself depressed when I was alone. I cried a lot.”

She said one event made her realize the situation would get worse.

“His mother had to come live with us because of her Alzheimer’s,” Mary said. “One day he got so mad at her, he shook her until her false teeth fell out,” Mary said.

“I thought, ‘If he will do that to his mother, what would he do to me?”

But she still didn’t leave.

Finally, during an argument, her husband threw her on the ground and put his foot on her neck and threatened to kill her.

That night, she gave her daughter from a previous relationship two garbage bags and told her to pack everything.

“I told her, when I pick you up from school tomorrow, we are never coming back to this house.”

Mary said it was very hard right after the split, and she wanted to go back.

“He was very well-respected in the community. We were both highly ranked officers. He was always in church,” Mary said. “But it was all a mask.”

Mary said she even thought about sending her daughter to live with her grandmother, thinking her husband wouldn’t be so volatile if she wasn’t around.

And it wasn’t until after her divorce, that she learned her husband was verbally abusive to her daughter.

“When I got married, she changed and was very despondent,” Mary said. The then 12-year-old’s father was in prison, and her stepfather constantly told her she would end up the same.

Her daughter said all of his comments made her feel like he didn’t approve of her. He called her spoiled and overdramatic, and his children from a previous marriage would say the same things.

“She also overheard the things he said to me,” Mary said.

“After the divorce, I spoke to his ex-wife. When I told her about the verbal, sexual and physical abuse, her only reaction was, ‘Oh, he’s back at it again.’ ”

That’s when she learned that he had choked and almost killed his first wife.

‘Swept me off my feet’

Beth, 42, said she grew up in a strict household where you didn’t show your emotions.

“Early in my life, I had relationships with very controlling people,” Beth said. “The guy would try to control how I dressed and my actions, and I just thought that’s what love was.”

She said she never saw domestic abuse as a means of control.

“When I first met my husband, he swept me off my feet ” Beth said. “He was very charming and everyone loved him.”

Beth said her situation made a turn for the worse after she had their son.

“He was dealing with alcoholism, and he put me down a lot,” Beth said. “He had me convinced that I would never be happy, and that I couldn’t do anything right.”

Beth stayed for 11 years.

Her son, now 9 years old, remembers his father’s temper.

“He remembers when my husband got so mad he shot our TV,” Beth said. She and her son, then 4, went into another room to avoid an argument. But her husband followed them, with a shotgun.

“It sometimes seems that I have to re-parent him, because he does sometimes try to be very controlling with me,” Beth said. “I’ve had to set boundaries because he would scream and try to order me to do things. He saw that.”

The breaking point was when his alcoholism got really bad.

“He started walking around the house with a loaded gun,” Beth said. “I really had dreams of things changing and would always say ‘if he wasn’t an alcoholic.’ ”

Beth said her ex-husband has been through detox. “To this day, he says I should have known what to do to keep from making him mad. To this day, he’s never apologized.”

Her divorce was recently finalized. Beth has since had to file for bankruptcy and doesn’t have all the nice things her ex-husband’s six-figure salary bought.

“But now I can go home and go to bed and sleep.”

‘I stayed for the good times’

Morgan, 54, grew up in a household where her mother was the aggressor.

“She would attack my dad because he cheated on her.”

When her mother stabbed him, they divorced. Morgan said when she was dating her
husband, she thought he was perfect. “He was funny and romantic,” Morgan said.

“When we married and had children, he would cook and make sure the kids behaved and did their homework.”

Morgan said she remembered that he liked things his way a lot, but didn’t see it as controlling.

“When he didn’t want me to go somewhere, I thought ‘he loves me this much.’

”Her husband became addicted to drugs early in the marriage, and Morgan used that as another excuse for his behavior.

“And he would always convince me that I caused him to be controlling.”

When he got physical with her, Morgan fought back.

“I would tell myself that I’m doing the same thing as him, so I couldn’t complain.”

And Morgan had convinced herself that her marriage would last, unlike her parents.

“I had decided I would preserve my marriage at all costs,” Morgan said. “My dad was in my life growing up, but he wasn’t in the home, and I wanted my children’s father to be in their household.”

Over the course of 10 years, Morgan left and came back to her husband five times.

The final straw was an argument that took place in front of their youngest child.

“I threw a vase at my husband, and it broke all over the place,” Morgan said. “That’s when I realized, I can’t have my children thinking this behavior was OK.”

Morgan decided, for their sake, she had to seek a more stable life.

“When he was not being abusive, he was doing wonderful things, and this is your husband. You love him,” Morgan said. “And you always think things will get better.”

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